She can be a trusting companion, a pain in the neck, an unfair judge, a demanding boss, a pretty fair fashion consultant, a wise friend, and an enemy whose goal sometimes seems to make sure you never smile again. Because of this, you behave in all the ways you shouldn't... you're sarcastic, silent, whiny and angry. How could one person be so enmeshed in your life one moment and so estranged the next? How could it be that the woman who conceived and carried and bathed and nurtured you, the person you've spent more time with in your life than any other, doesn't know you at all?
It's fair to say that the most emotionally charged encounters are those between mothers and daughters. And the time these encounters are most challenging (read impossible!) is during adolescence. What you have to keep in mind is that you both have different job descriptions. You have to risk and experiment whilst mums have to supervise and monitor. While you need emotional privacy, mothers need to feel in control, possible only if they know your secrets.
What's her problem talking to me about sex?
With statistics showing that 50 percent of girls age 15-19 are sexually active and 65 percent of all 18-year-old have had sexual intercourse, you would think the topic would come up more often. Mothers do better discussing the mechanics of sexual matters...the biology...the anatomy... contraception, than they do talking about the pleasurable aspects of sexual activity. It's as if they're worried any discussion of the fun part will cause you to become sexually intimate earlier. Anyway, be honest. Who really wants to hear their mum share too much personal information?
Why do I get the feeling she doesn't trust me?
It's natural to worry about someone you love. And mothers are Olympic gold medal winners at worrying. Even if your mum trusts you completely, chances are she's going to be way more concerned about your safety than you think she should be. It's a losing battle to try to change her. You probably remind her of the time she snuck out of the house in the middle of the night...or smoked that forbidden cigarette... or lied about that unchaperoned party. No doubt as she sees you preferring the company of your friends to spending time with her, she's feeling a sense of loss. Adjusting to watching you change from someone who confides in her to someone who craves privacy is not always easy.
And keep in mind, it's got to be upsetting for her to realize that from now on her views and values are no longer accepted unconditionally.
What will make her most proud of me?
The answer may surprise you. Of course good grades and some remarkable talent will bring a smile to your mother's face, but according to a recent study, nearly half of all mums say that what makes them proudest is when their daughters perform good deedsand when they're polite.
How come she spies on me?
On a rational level, your mum knows you deserve your privacy. But it must be some kind of overwhelming addiction type thing...60% of mothers admit to listening in on your phone calls, and reading your diary or e-mail. It's a nosiness that seems to be inherited...studies show almost three quarters of teenage girls have rummaged through their mother's handbags, wardrobes or drawers!
Why doesn't she leave me alone about my homework?
Your mum may be looking at the longterm, while you're looking at the moment. She's locked into tomorrow's exam being an integral part of the O Levels, which will lead to A Levels, which will get you into the university of your choice. Conflicting ideas about study habits are normal. When you both realize this is not a crisis that one side is going to change their mind about, the tension will pass.
Keep in mind that your mother is learning to be your mum on-the-job. No pension, insurance, paid holiday or stock options come with the territory. She's constantly retraining and updating her skills so that, if her dreams for you come true, you'll be stronger, smarter and all around better than she ever was. That deserves free hugs for life.
